Facebook is a lie. The happiness you see while scrolling through your news feed is lie. We try so hard to match others lives that we fail to see what goes on behind the screen.
The beautiful wedding you saw was a scam. They took out a loan against their house to "prove" they have money. The couple that took that lavish vacation fought the entire time. The mom that posts the most perfect pictures of her kids constantly smiling just told them to smile and laugh or they would get spanked. The couple that just announced they're pregnant sleeps together maybe once a month. And honestly they would have been divorced years ago if it hadn't been for family talking them out of it. The smiling mom in all her pictures with the kids has fought depression and anxiety and cries in the shower alone. The family that posts pictures of Christmas morning and the tree is filled high with presents just maxed out their credit cards. The Christian family that's been at church every single Sunday morning and posts "church time! #blessed" is on the edge of a divorce. They've both been unfaithful and hate their marriage. The brand new 2018 Tahoe just cost them a second job because they would rather show off then actually be at the house with the family. The husband that just got praised for remembering their anniversary doesn't help with the kids, house, or anything for that matter. He would rather be anywhere else. The couple that makes you so sick because they are so happy to have each other. He's been beating her and he threatens to kill himself if she ever leaves him. They just build a $300,000 home. They also are drowning in doubt and fight every waking moment about bills. The girl that smiles the most in those perfect, filtered selfies has thought about suicide more times then she'll ever admit. Don't believe everything you see. You want so badly to have what "they" have. You don't see what they go through to have that perfect picture, to have that 2018 truck, the lavish vacation, the 6 bedroom house. Be yourself. Be happy with that God gave you. You create your happiness or you create your misery. Either way you choose your life.
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I've been asked so many times why I don't go to church anymore. You want the truth? Because I found God in my darkest time not in a church on Sunday morning surrounded by other Christians, but sitting in a bathroom on the floor alone. I hear God speak to me the most in the car on the way home from a long day, not from a sermon listening from a pew. I don't go to church because I think I'm better, but because I know God already knows what's in my heart. I've already been saved. I don't need to keep getting saved every Sunday morning. Growing up, church and my youth group was my escape from my home life, but as I got older I realized it was all the same. People will let you down no matter where you are. My faith has gotten so much better since I left church and started praising Him throughout my week at the oddest times. I don't go to church because in my time of needed I wasn't offered a helping hand, I was offered judgmental comments and prayers that my soul would be saved from getting a divorce. I have found that the church is a lie and I was better off getting saved in my shower.
Click here to I remember when I was pregnant with Aiden I had these expectations of motherhood. I searched Pinterest for hours to find ideas on how to be the creative, happy, and strong mom. I would breastfeed until at least a year, I wouldn't have the screaming child in the grocery store, no way my kid was going into daycare, absolutely no pacifiers, no co-sleeping, I would make dinner every night, I would read a book to him nightly. We would have family nights, vacations, I would have an unending amount of patience and we would laugh all the time together. Almost six years later and I have realized that I am not the mom I thought I was going to be.
Y'all, today I yelled at the kids over them being kids. Like literally. I can't remember the last time I read a book to the kids at night or the last time I didn't yell at them in the grocery store to stop fighting with each either. I stopped breast feeding Aiden at 6 months and stopped with Amelia at 3 months. And honestly I don't know if I want to breastfeed the next one. Amelia loved the pacifier and Aiden hated it. Amelia slept in the bed with us most nights until she was almost 6 months old. Some nights I'm so mentally exhausted the kids eat cereal for dinner. Aiden's been in daycare since he was a year and Amelia's been in since she was 6 weeks old. We're lucky if we get family night once a month, we're lucky if we get a vacation once a year. I can't even tell you how many nights I've cried in the shower. My patience ended over 5 years ago. I have mood swings for no reason. I've learned that life happens and you just go with the flow. I've learned that as long as you're there for your kids and involved they will love you no matter what, that it's okay to break, tumble and be different. It's okay to have kids that act like kids. It's okay to have no idea how to be the "perfect" parent because it doesn't exist. . So let me tell you a story. There was a girl that was so in love that she did anything and everything for the boy she loved. She cut off friends, family and isolated herself. She was told daily she was too fat and too ugly for anyone to love her. That what she had was the best she'd ever get. No one else would ever want her. And she stupidly believed it all. She starved herself every day. She looked in the mirror and saw nothing starring back at her. She put up with yelling, pushing and insults everyday. Then one day she literally found herself on the floor with an empty bottle of pills beside her and vomit down her shirt. She had no idea how she ended up like this. How it all snuck up on her. How she let someone take her to that level of disgust with herself that she no longer wanted to be here at all in any way. She fought depression alone. She cried alone. She was alone. She was exactly where he wanted her to be. That was until she heard a voice that said she was so much more than this. More than an empty bottle of pills more than a screaming match in the living room. So she did was she does best and lifted herself up. She found love in herself again. She got rid of the negativity in her life. She surrounded herself with people that knew she was beautiful in her own way. She smiled again and laughed. She realized that as long as you love yourself first you could then love others. She found things that made her happy. She realized she was perfectly imperfect and then she soared.
To My Son's Step-Mom:
I heard the big news that my son came home so proudly to tell me he was going to have another mom. He told me that his dad decided it was time to get remarried. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to write this, how many times I've hit the back button trying to write the right words to you that you'll never read. I have to get this off my chest, off my heart, off my mind. The words I want to say sound bitter. I don't want to be bitter, but I do want you to know how I feel towards you. So the truth is I don't know how I feel about you. I really want to like you. I want to be able to talk to you like I talk to anyone that has a role in my children's lives. I want my son to like you, but I don't want him to love you. And that is the truth. I knew my ex-husband was serious about you when I caught him one day looking at you. The way I always wanted him to look at me all those years ago. I want you to know I'm happy for y'all. I'm happy my son has two happy homes instead of one war zone. And I'm glad that he chose you. I like you, even when I didn't want too. When I first heard my ex-husband was dating someone I was determined not to like you. I was determined to make you not like me. But it didn't end up that way. I tried so hard to hate you especially after I read your statement you gave the court when me and my ex were in a custody battle. The lies hurt that you so willingly told to help your boyfriend. Yet, I still couldn't hate you. You did what I would have done. I really wanted to hate you when my son came home one weekend from his dads and said he loved you. That stung the most. I wanted to hate you for everything at that point. There are times my son talks about you and I know he loves you as he loves us all, as he loves his family. In his mind, in his heart, he already made you family. This year you will take on the title of Step-Mom. Please, take it seriously. I only ask that you love him back. Be his mom when I can't be. You will see moments of his life that I won't. He will go to you for things he won't with me. BE THERE FOR HIM. Comfort him, give him mom advice, be his friend, don't be afraid for him to hate you at times, and mostly love him. Love him with all your heart and always introduce him as YOUR son when your out and about. I pray you have the opportunity to give him more brothers and sisters. He's such a great big brother already. Know I pray for you. I pray for your happiness. I pray for your safety because I know the toll it would have on our son. I don't know if we could ever be friends... though it is something I hope for one day. Please, know I'm rooting for you, never against you. If you ever feel overwhelmed, I'm here for you. I don't want to be, but I am. Being a mom is tough, challenging, hard, but more rewarding and beautiful than you'll ever know. When you feel like your doubting yourself as a parent that means you're probably doing it right. Even when I'm trying to make it hard on you. So this is the raw truth. Love, The Bitter Mom What do you do when you have everything you ever dreamed about and yet you just want to hide?
You have what others pray about having and yet you just want to be alone. That was me a little over a year ago after I had my second child. That word that every mom says they will never let happen to them. That word that they think other moms are weak for. Weak. Weakness. Post-Partum Depression. It hit like a wall. One second I was the happiest person alive. I now had two wonderful, beautiful children. She was perfect in every way. I ached to be near her and hold her. To have her fall asleep in my arms, but as soon as I had her I wanted nothing to do with her. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted time to myself. I wanted quietness. I wanted peace. It started in the middle of the night. It creeped in. She was crying and I wasn't in the mood for it. I wanted my husband to handle her so I could go back to sleep. I wanted peace and quiet. I stared at her for hours and I was so ashamed that I had what I wanted and I wanted to escape from it. But that's darkness for you. That's what your mind does. I struggled for months letting the darkness take its toll on my happiness, marriage and my love for my kids. I let it consume me. I even let it end my job. I no longer had patience for others and their lives. I drowned in my thoughts of my past and my depression feasted off my anger from things I knew I never fully healed from years ago. It's funny the thing that triggered my depression actually healed it. My kids. My husband. They loved me regardless of my stubbornness to push them away. Despite my mood swings that would cut them with harsh words. Sometimes you find light out of the darkness. Sometimes you can heal from pain. I was recently asked why I had a cross tattooed to my ring finger. I simply said "It's a reminder that my vows to God are first." and I left it at that. I got this cross the day I filed for divorce from my ex. It's a reminder that even on my loneliest days I always have God with me. I made vows to God years ago and I plan to honor them. I vowed that I would praise him on my darkest days and on my brightest. I look at it often and it reminds me that His love is never ending.
April 4th 2017, my husband and I will be celebrating out 2 year wedding anniversary. Most people are thinking gosh that's not very long at all. You're totally right. But to me that means something some people will never understand.
I was married before... for two years. On each wedding anniversary we were actually split. The First year I had left him the first time. On our second year we were already in the works for a divorce. When I tell you Eric has changed my life, I mean it. We have our bad times, but they are small and rare moments that don't compare to the great moments we create with our little family. We fell in love hard and we fell in love quick. When they tell you, you will know when you have the right one, they aren't lying. Eric came in from nowhere when I had completely given up on being happy. On being loved for me. He showed me that gentlemen do exist and that GENTLE MEN do exist. He gets on my nerves half the time, but still manages to make me smile. He sends me songs that lets me know he thinks about me throughout the day. He is everything I want my son to become and everything I want my daughter to find one day. I want to love him when we're grey and old and watch our grandchildren grow. Grow Old "Tell me that you love me Say "we'll always work it out" I know it's kinda scary But it's only temporary doubt I've done a lot of stupid things But promise that you're gonna stay long enough to grow old with me We're gonna see the good times love each other through the bad It's gonna hurt like hell when we lose our moms and dads So let my shoulder hold your tears Walk beside me through the years Baby let's see, where this love could lead Let's hold hands on your favorite beach Fix up a house that we found in the city limits Tangled up in a satin sheet And get a little loud when we've had to much to drink And learn to love from a church pew Laugh about all the times we counted pennies Buy some land with a good view To start a family Baby grow old with me It's gonna take a little time we'll have to work at it everyday We're gonna lose a lot of sleep and learn to eat out of a microwave You know we'll probably never have it all But that's part of building up the walls strong enough to stand up through the rain We'll make some love on your favorite beach And at the house that we found in the city limits Talk our babies through the bad dreams When they get a little older we'll tell them not to drink Book a church when she finds a groom Laugh about all the times they'll count the pennies Give them land with a good view To start a family And baby you know we might take a turn down a backroad, maybe go where the wind blows baby, but end up right where we were meant to be Back and forth on a porch swing Hard not to smile thinking how it don't get much better Our babies, babies turning 18 What a family Baby grow old with me [x3] Tell me that you love me Say "we'll always work it out" - Florida Georgia Line For some people the number on my scale would make you sick. You'd swear you'd NEVER get that big. I know and it's okay. I was that person. But this number for me is a milestone. It's a number that means I'm only a few more pounds to my goal weight. A weight for the first time in my life I'm losing healthy and not starving myself to get it. It's a number I cherish. It's a number that means I'm overcoming my personal issues with myself. A number that shows me I've had two children in 3 years. A number that shows I've hit rock bottom and crawled back up. Yes, it's not a number most people would be proud of, but I am and it's MY number
It was that morning when I woke up cranky, tired and stressed. Honestly just mean. And even on these days when I'm not the best me, my husband is still kind to me. Helps me in any way to make my day better. Sometimes I take him for granted. He understands me even if I don't. He knows the right words to say for whatever mood takes me. He talks with me and isn't afraid to tell me to calm down and not in a rude, way just wanting me to see the bigger picture of that moment. He still sends me songs that reminds him of me. I purposely push his buttons to start an argument on my rough days and he just let's me. At the end of the day, good, bad, ugly, he holds me and says "I love you." |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
January 2019
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